Clinging

 The nights are the worst. The darkness is both physical and emotional. Part of me wants to cling to the day so we don't get one more day closer to chemo while the other part of me wants it to hurry up and get here.     
    Today was another one of those days of all my plans being smashed from the very beginning. We had an animal break into our trash this morning and scatter it all over the yard. Somehow our automatic door on the van opened in the middle of the night. That isn't usually a problem unless we are having flooding rains and it soaks your van's insides as well as all the carseats. So from the very beginning things were not as I had planned. A dear friend came and got Andrew and Becca for a playdate and Madi was at school. I was alone with Luke and he takes a morning nap. I had great plans of organizing closets or purging baby clothes we didn't need or rethinking our downstairs dining room that is covered in toys. I had two hours and normally....that is the key word in most of these blogs, normally I am a powerhouse in two hours in my house. Well, not since Andrew's had cancer. My world has been tossed upside down. I can't think straight and the bare minimum gets done. The kids are clothed and fed and bathed. Everyone is safe and the house functions, but there aren't many extras. After naptime, when I usually get clothes out for the next day and things straightened while kids play, we all just sat in front of You Tube and listened to praise songs. Andrew now loves the song by Laura Story "Mighty to Save" and will ask for the Jesus song. He is so cute belting "Author of salvation" out with his sisters. So we sang and just rocked together. Oh and I should have mentioned that I had another rude awakening when I picked Andrew up from this nap. His shirt was covered in cat hair. I said, "Buddy, when were you wrestling with our cat?" He couldn't remember and as I was brushing it off of him I realized it wasn't our cat's hair but his!! No matter how much you prepare yourself for this side effect it rips through you like a knife. I found myself just staring at his precious head and its beautiful blond strands that are still there. I must have taken 5 pictures of him while he ate his snack. Anyway to get back on track, today was just filled with other plans and agendas. I am beginning to learn to be okay with this.
 The kids went to bed great and Rick and I settled down for some good "24" shows. It is easy to get lost in that show and forget all reality. Until it is over and reality hits again. As I got ready for bed and began looking around my room for the supplies we will need for the hospital, the darkness hit again. Can't we just run away? He is fine isn't he? But no, the tumor still screams from within and we must go back on Thursday to continue to blast it.
     The worst day of my life was hearing the words "Andrew has a tumor." However, we are not defeated. We still make it through the day smiling most of the time. I feel the weight of this battle on my heart now, but the sun will come up tomorrow. I still want to emphasize the part all you readers play in this journey. Please don't think you are bothering us....call, email, send notes! We love hearing from you. It reminds us we are not alone and we have help. I am also reminded truly, daily, when my plans all evaporate that my days are not my own. I must hold everything loosely and give them to the Faithful One who loves us and is fighting for us. As I lay in bed thinking how can a mother allow this pain and suffereing to happen to her son I was reminded ever so quietly that my Heavenly Father had to watch while His Son suffered. He could have stopped it but He knew the greater plan. Techniquely Rick and I could stop this treatment and all its side effects. We could just go on and pretend it never happened. But people would think we were crazy. Its the only thing saving his life right now. We just have to remember the greater plan. So, I will keep clinging with my fingernails another day. I will keep remembering when the fears set in what a dear friend once wrote on her blog during a dark time, "We must remember not the What Ifs, but What IS." We have a lot to be thankful for in the midst of this trial.