An Open Letter to Monday

Dear Monday,

  It is no secret that you and I have had a tenuous relationship at best. At times I am excited to see you arrive and at other times I rather dread your predictable routine. I feel bad for you really it must be difficult to be so unloved by so many, the object of ridicule and disdain. When we met today I really wanted to be glad for your arrival, as if your coming would bring memories of better times back. Alas, it was not to be.

  To be honest it really isn't you, its me. Everything I normally enjoy at your arrival I just couldn't. From the morning spent reading to time in the quiet stillness of the office, none of it had the same feeling of order and comfort it normally does. In truth, the safety you promised me in the return to "normal" felt wrong. I don't like making accusations but I have to say Monday, I really feel lied to. You promised me the intellectual stimulation of quiet reading time but I ended up reading the same paragraph over and over my mind always drifting away before I finished it. You promised me the escape of my office, a worthy distraction from the tears of life but there I found my heart longing to be home and the tears flowing anyway. This is of course without bringing up the uncomfortable event at your first arrival; you had promised rest for Jess and me but there we were in the same place we were at when Sunday arrived holding a sick boy. If we are going to have any kind of relationship, you and me, I really need you to deal more honestly with me. The false promises simply must go.

   You know though Mon, may I call you Mon? You know it wasn't all bad. There were a couple of things you showed me throughout our visit together that I had never really seen before. Do you remember when I called home from the office and I expected to hear panic and fear on the other end and all I heard was courage and calm? If you hadn't come I wouldn't have seen how much Jessie has grown through all this; how she continually surprises me with the strength of her tenderness and the audacity of her vulnerability. Or, do you remember when Margie came by to give Andrew his nightly shot? If you hadn't come I wouldn't have seen how he can be afraid of pain and yet still find rest in my arms or how he can carry the burden of this illness with so little complaint and so much dignity. Then there was that time when Madi tried to comfort Andrew during dinner because he was crying. His weariness and his lack of appetite were combining to create quite the meltdown but there was his sister trying her hardest to comfort her hurting brother. Then there was that picture I had when I came home of Becca playing Candyland with Andrew and upset when she won that Andrew couldn't win too. Yes Mon, if you hadn't come I'm not sure I would have seen how proud I am of my family. They are responding to this nightmare in ways I couldn't have imagined.

   I'm not sure where that leaves us... perhaps somewhere between tolerated necessity and respected adversary. I do hope that your exit tonight is a quiet one, that Andrew will sleep through it without any more... unfortunate episodes. My heart hurts for him when I see him so sick. What would be great is if you could leave completely unannounced... is that rude to ask... without even a whisper. You see we're so tired here; tired physically, tired emotionally, tired spiritually, that I'm not sure we'd do well being awake for your departure. I'll just say my goodbyes now if you don't mind... it'll be easier that way.

   I will see you next week. Lord willing our meeting then will look completely different... in a good way. Truthfully I don't know what to expect, which is one of the hardest parts of this whole thing... the unknown is scary you know.

                                                                       Sincerely Yours,

                                                                               Rick

p.s. for those praying, please pray that Andrew will sleep through the night without being troubled by any more nausea and that his appetite would return as well as any other side effects of chemo. We're nervous that too much weight loss will result in the need for a feeding tube. We are thankful for your prayers.