Catching My Breath

 If any of you have ever run a sprint, you know what it is like to be out of breath. You pour your energy into the run in such a quick amount of time and when you stop it takes a little while to catch your breath. I think that is how I am feeling this week. When Andrew was diagnosed in December it was a quick sprint with his cancer. We raced to the doctor, the hospital, the biopsy, the meetings, the tests, the chemos, and the scans. We accomplished a lot in a very little amount of time. With cancer that is the way you have to do it. We were not sure how aggressive it was so we had to have all the tests run and begin the treatment regardless. It was a whirlwind feeling at home.
 Well, the "results" have come back over the past few weeks and the diagnosis is a pretty good one. If Andrew can have the "best" malignant tumor, this is the kind to have. He has already finished his two required rounds of chemo and will now face surgery, hopefully the last stretch of his sprint. We will meet with our surgeon on Thursday to have his vitals checked and look him over to make sure he is well enough to be operated on on Tuesday March 2nd. The surgeon will chat with Rick and I about the procedure and what recovery will look like. And Lord willing, this will be the last form of treatment on this cancer beast except for scans for the next two years. This truly is God's mercy to our family.
 As I have begun preparing my heart, as well as reflecting on God's faithfulness to me personally, I feel like I am trying to catch my breath. My life changed so quickly with the announcement of cancer in my two year old. Each scan brings worry and hopefulness and each doctor's conversation raises my blood pressure just a little. I have loved seeing God surprise us with grace as each step has carried us to the next and brought us to even better news. However, my heart has a hard time just resting in the goodness of His love. I have been blessed to see Andrew have such great health and continue doing all his normal activities and more. I have been amazed at my love that has grown for my husband and each child through this trial. I have been thankful for the Scripture that whispers love and hope into my ear each day. And I have been blessed with ministry opportunities outside of the home that before all this craziness brought such joy to my heart. With all these wonderful things going on to remind me that God cares for me, I still keep looking behind me to see what is coming up next. I think, "I can't let down my guard completely and rest in all this. What if I need to be prepared for something bigger." This fear is shown in my obsessions to organize my closets, purge all I don't need any more, or plan as much as I can a day in advance. I can spend my time just thinking, "what if I won't have time to do this chore or make this phone call" instead of just blopping on the floor and playing with my kids. Some of you may be saying, "haven't you learned that each day is precious and the work can wait?" To that I say, "Yes, but I am still weak and scared." I am still doubting in each step being illuminated for me to walk on. I feel like I am just trying to take deep breathes in order to be able to finish this next sprint with my head held high.
  A great verse that I read today really spoke to my heart.  Lamentations 3:22-23 says," Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." These verses are jam packed with great promises and reminders for us pilgrims in our journey, but what spoke to me was that I will not be consumed or even destroyed. God's love is great. Far greater than this little sprint in my life. Far greater than any doubt I have or report I may be given. He will hold me up through this. He continues to have compassion on myself and my family. It is evident every morning, as He promises. We have not arrived in any means, but I can honestly say that through this sprint called cancer that I have been running, I am truly beginning to know my Jesus and His deep, deep love for me, His daughter. Praise God!