Covered in Hair

 Before I began writing this blog post, I had to reread my husband's last blog. You see he is a fantastic writer if you all didn't know it by now. The way he uses words to communicate things so clearly is amazing to me. He can take a subject like theology or even now biology that can sound so daunting and unclear and make even the simplest person like myself understand the subject entirely. So, as I struggled once again to believe that Andrew's news is good news, I reread his clear words that give me comfort.
 As a mom the first thing you want to do for your children when they are sick is help them to feel better. Bandage the boo-boos, ease the sore throat, or comfort the belly ache. You will do anything from feeding them popsicles all day to making couch beds with Sesame Street sheets in your living room. You hate to see them suffer. Well, as you can imagine when we first heard the words tumor with Andrew, panic gripped me. How was I going to help this little boy through this? Chemo....for a two year old? Sickness, mouth sores, pain, aches, shots, medicines?? How would I help? I saw from the beginning that most of what I would be doing was just holding him. He normally wants mommy when he is upset, so when we began with surgery and treatments I would just sit and hold him. As we got into round two of chemo I loaded his bags down with all the things we would need to make him comfortable.....Thomas the train pj's, dinosaurs to play with, books to read, and 25 popsicles to have him eat while he ate chemo because we were told that might help prevent mouth sores. I was on top of his needs the entire time in the hospital. I wanted him to be comfortable. The same has been true as we came back home. I just waited for the bottom to drop and him to suffer. But, as Rick's email said, we have been shown great mercy. Andrew has not suffered from one side effect this round. He has acted like any normal two year old.  However, the cancer still lingers and in my mind I still long to bring an end to this sickness.
 Hearing the words, "the tumor hasn't changed" was heartbreaking. How could it have done nothing? Were our prayers for nothing? What would be do now? I had so greatly hoped for a complete healing or at least that we might be done. It is hard to wrestle through the possibilities and stay hopeful. The hospital as well as the doctor's words just reminded me once again of the weight of this on my heart. The memories of our first night on the 7th floor flooded back. The questions we had. The fears we tried so hard to function through together. We are in a completely different place, but we have been changed. Rick put it a great way at dinner the other night. We began as "circles" and this cancer has changed us into "squares." We are not sure how to be another shape. We have to learn the boundaries and the ways of this new normal. And we are still learning that. We are still wrestling with the initial news and the path we have been on over the past few months.
 I anxiously await a call from the doctor again. This time it will be to confirm that surgery is the next step and when that will take place. We anticipate next week, but are not for sure. The anxiety comes not because it is bad news or uncertain news, but because we still have another challenge ahead of us. Chest surgery is a big deal. Andrew will have to have another chest tube and we will probably be in the hospital for at least 3-5 days to recover. We will deal with a grumpy, sedated little guy that is hooked up to tubes and monitored often in his "crib cage." We will have our sleep interrupted as nurses do vitals or ask us questions. And my heart will hope that surgery is our last step with cancer, but of course the fear remains in the back of my mind that "what if??"So I cling. I cling to the God that has shown us great mercy so far. He has lavished us with His love and comfort. He has walked with us through the waters and the fires and reminded us that I am His (Isaiah 43). He has allowed Andrew to live a normal life and have his treatments cut in half. And possibly in the next few weeks we will be done for a while with the hospital, shots, scans, and questions. It brings great joy to think about this, but the weakness in me remains. I still feel a little foggy from the news. I still am needing the meals that are planned for us and the grandparents to come help, and the friends and family to just remind us of their love. We have been blessed with all of this and more.
 I do have one great story to end this blog. Andrew has been playing hard all day. We went out in the snow this morning, raced cars around the house, played with Buzz Lightyear, and wrestled. As I was putting him down for his nap my heart sank. Glancing on his blue sweatshirt I noticed that he was covered in hair. I thought, well, I guess this is round 2 of his hair loss...I should have expected it. However, as I pulled some of it off, I realized it wasn't his hair all over him, but our cats' that had come from him and Becca cuddling on the cat's pillow. The effects of this awful disease have begun to reverse and my son will hopefully not be sick much longer. Praise God who is "mighty to save and able to move mountains. He rose and conquered the grave,Jesus, conquered the grave!!" To our God who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine! (Eph. 3:20)