Running out of Time

 My last blog post was titled "10 Days and Counting." When I wrote that post I was feeling confident and excited to get this show on the road. Everything has seemed great and we are even closer than before to being done with Andrew's tumor. Right now I feel anxious. I feel like I want to run around the house and organize and declutter and just control something. I feel like reality is hitting again. I have a son with cancer. I still can't see it physically day to day, but the beast still lingers. I am thankful for my emotions because for a while I was feeling a little numb. I was just going through the motions and didn't really have any strong feelings about anything. Those times scare me. I feel distant from God as well as people. I took the time the other day to listen to a great sermon by Greg Thompson (Trinity Pres in Charlottesville) about Jesus being in our darkness and Him being the presence of Light. It was refreshing. I was reminded I am not alone and He came to dwell in the midst of chaos. He is not surprised by my fears or the uncertainties I have. In fact, He came because He knew I would have them. SO REFRESHING!! He can handle me. Anyway, this awoken my spirit to feel and emote again. Fears returned ( I know that sounds negative, but when you have felt numb, it really is positive), questions continued, love grew, and I felt alive again. Since then I have entered another scene in this play called "Cancer." The weight has hit a little more and I cherish each day I have with Andrew. I love his humor and life that make me smile and I am just honored to be his mom. I have hurt for my hurting friends more. I have prayed with passion for others' prayer requests and I have begun to dread the hospital again. I do want to move forward because we truly are close to the finish line, Lord willing. But I still hate that my son even has to battle this. I hate that he is going through way more than most two year old boys will ever have to go through. I hate that in his common vocabulary come words like shots, tubies (his central line), hospital, medicine, and sickness. He knows he  is sick and he rolls with it. I am thankful for modern medicine and wonderful doctors, but I will take the broken bones anyday over this crazy struggle.
  I just finished making my list...one of my favorite things to do, about what this week holds. Church, food shopping, preschool registration, music class, a friend visits on Wednesday, and ohhhhh a trip to the hospital for chemo!! How did this become a common list item. But it is.
  We will go on Thursday with our bags packed. We have told Andrew he will go back and probably not get any shots. He is thrilled. He wants to go back to preschool and play in their playroom. We have our paper chain hanging in our kitchen that helps Becca know how many more days we are here before we go back. She doesn't like surprises and doesn't have worry with that chain that we will be gone when she wakes up in the morning. We sent Madi to school today, after being off for nearly two weeks, to have her Valentine party. She was so excited to go with her little bag of Valentine's for all her friends she loves. But I was a little sad because I couldn't be one of those moms that was helping at the party. I have always envisioned myself at all the school events helping and watching my kids delight in each activity. I know that is unrealistic with 4 kids, but it is even harder now. I took Luke for his rescheduled 9 month check up to the doctor today. He was supposed to go next Friday but we will be at the hospital. I sat there in the room waiting for the doctor with my cute nakey baby on my lap. This type of visit is so familiar after having 4 little ones, yet being there adds different memories. I now have a red box for "shots" in my house like they do. I worry just a little bit with my other kids when I take them in if the doctor will find something concerning. And I still remember that visit 2 months ago that informed me of Andrew's tumor. It is still real!
 A dear friend said to me the other day on the phone, "You know, you will never be the same after all this even when Andrew is better. You will still have these memories. You will always have to record all this on school forms, medical forms, and any other legal document....Andrew had cancer." That is how I feel. We are getting through this and Andrew will be better (Lord willing), but it will be forever etched on our hearts. Our marriage will be changed. Our girls will be changed and molded. Our son will be shaped by this time. And we will have things to offer others, others that hurt, that we wouldn't have if we hadn't gone through this. I cling to that knowledge that there is a purpose. This is for my good and not to destroy or punish me. My Jesus loves me and He has allowed this to happen in our family to draw us closer to Him. I really am beginning to believe that. The emotions are scary at times and I take risks when I share them with others not knowing how they will receive them, but they remind me I am alive and we are making it through day by day.