Where Were You?

 Have you ever sat in your comfy chair and thought... Where was I in ... whatever year or date? That is what I did as I cleaned up my living room this evening after a fun day. I began thinking of where I was 4 years ago. Four years ago today I was in the hospital...not for anything bad, but something very, very wonderful. My Becca Noel came into the world two weeks earlier than we had planned. I can remember the room and the doctor and the time with just her in that place. Today we had a grand day to celebrate our princess's birthday. We cooked cinnabuns for breakfast, had friends come "Under the Sea" for her party lunch, and took her to her favorite restuarant for dinner...Applebee's.  It was a day of celebrating and thanking God for this little spunky girl He has given us.

 

Then I kept going with the game. Where was I three years ago? Well, I was pregnant with Andrew. He was a complete surprise and miracle from the beginning. We were entering into spring with two very young girls and I was probably panicking because I had no idea why the Lord had chosen me to be a mother of three kids this close in age. Could I really handle it? But I guess that was the point. I couldn't and still can't, and I needed His help.

 One year ago we were preparing to have Luke. Yes, we have lots of kids in not so many years. I was exactly one month out and we knew we would be equalling the playing fields with three boys in the house and three girls. Again, I am sure I was worrying about how in the world I would handle four kids all under the age of 5. I could handle three (yeah right) but four was pushing it. Our house was bursting and we were taking one day at a time to see how this would all work out.

  As I kept thinking about dates, I began down the other path. Three months ago we were packing our bags to go to the hospital, but not for joyous reasons. Our son Andrew had been diagnosed with cancer and we had no idea what we were up against. We didn't know its biology and we didn't know the time table of this fight. Our hearts were scared and we were leaving behind three little ones that still needed us at home. Three months ago began a journey no parent should have to go through. A journey that still today brings so many emotions at even the sight of "thinking of you" cards we received from loved ones. Three months ago we didn't know what spring would look like.

  However, just one month ago things were so different. We went from numerous chemos down to no more and a planned surgery. Our family was planning to have grandparents here again for the last leg of treatment (we hope). We were a little scared of the week in the hospital, but we knew we could handle anything like that if we were done with cancer. In only two months everything changed again.

  I then pondered this time last weekend. Rick and I had escaped to a beautiful cabin on the mountain. Family was here with the kids and we were away just the two of us enjoying beauty of nature and each other. We were napping, reading, hiking, sitting in quiet, conversing, and praying. It was an incredible blessing to be able to get away from the world and just rest. We were able to reflect on where we had come in such a short amount of years and how uncertain life and the world is. We talked about our fears of the unknown and our inadequacies. We talked about how small we felt and how lonely this place can be. And as we talked we realized that truly only one thing had stayed the same. One thing remained constant in the chaos and everchanging circumstances. The Lord. He has always been here. He has always provided. He has always kept His Word. He doesn't promise ease, comfort, or peace. But He does promise rest for our souls, security in trusting His plans, and love. A love that passes all understanding. A love that tends to wounded hearts and rejoices with the news of new life. A love that has been shown through people's service and constant care. A love that will never let go and will always hold us as we journey.
 We have no idea what the future holds. I am sure some great things and I am sure some awful things. If you would have told me four years ago I would have 4 kids, one with some special needs and one with cancer I would have gone crazy. I couldn't have handled this news four years ago. Even as I think back to ALL that has happened this week (4 sick kids, appointments, sleepless nights, exhaustion, birthday parties, chores, playdates, food shopping, haircuts, and more) I know that my weekend last weekend wouldn't have been restful at all if I had known what would be happening. I spend so much time trying to "protect" myself from the unknown so I can somehow guard my heart and I am seeing that I don't have to. God already has. He has revealed each day to me in its own time. In Matthew 6::33 Jesus reminds us "But seek first the kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things (our needs) will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." My job is not to be God and try to sort out life and plan all my days. Nor can I if I really stop and admit it. He has my life and He is faithful and loving.  In 4 years from today I know I will look back and be amazed at where He has brought me and how He has held my hand the entire way.