Surrender

   Happy New Year to everyone reading! We hope this year brings many blessings and exciting things for your family and ours. As I pull down the old calendar from my wall and put up the 2011 one, I can't say I am that sad to say goodbye to 2010. Don't get me wrong, there were many fun things that happened and blessings that I experienced, but several of the "fun things" like Disney World, or personal growth, or even God's working in Rick's vocation came about because of some really hard things. Our biggest struggle, of course, was cancer. Andrew had his last MRI scan on December 28th and as far as we know everything looks good and nothing has changed with the size of the remaining cancer cells. Praise God. We breathe a sign of relief.
 So where does that bring me in 2011? I find myself reflecting how I have changed and how our family has changed. I find myself thankful to not only have made it through 2010, but also to have thrived in many ways. Our family is closer and more sensitive to those that hurt around us. We laugh a little more and cry more often without hesitation. I have watched four precious children's hearts develop in ways that I couldn't have imagined and I do believe that the trials, the fears, and the last year's challenges have really aided in those ways. The Christmas story meant more to us this year. The kids loved to talk about how Jesus was born and He came to help those that were hurting and in need of rescue. They reanacted the story of Joseph and Mary together and sang the tradition Christmas songs at the top of their lungs. We celebrated Jesus' birth and already began to talk about how wonderful it was that Jesus came to us, but even more amazing that He died and rose again! We would still be in darkness if He hadn't come and especially if He hadn't risen again. And you know what, I think the three oldest got that amazing concept of Christianity a little bit more this year. I am thankful that we have grown and seen God more in our lives.

 On the flip side, my flesh struggles a lot with fear. The word that keeps coming to my mind is surrender. I must surrender my life, my kids, my security, Rick's job, all relationships, and all control over to God. He is the one that is really in control and has all my days ordained. And you know, I am scared. I believe He is Sovereign, but I get scared that He isn't good. I get scared about what might be around the next corner. Will I be able to handle the next trial? Will something worse happen that will tear my family apart or seriously challenge my faith? Will we make it through? How can I prevent chaos? How can I control as many factors as I can to keep myself saife? Madi and Becca are going back to school on Monday and I will cry my eyes out when they leave. I have LOVED having them home for the entire two weeks (I didn't think I would love it this much) and I don't want to let them go out into the "world" again. I want to keep everyone close and protect them and never let anything bad happen. But I can't. I can't control my world or theirs. This concept is so scary. I am being challenged already on this first day of January with a pretty huge job...surrender. Allow the God of the universe to have it all. He already does, but He wants my heart to believe that too. He wants me to believe that He has the best in His heart and that He loves my family and I more than I do. He is not out for harm or mockery, but He is out to make us more like Him. He is not here to remind me that He is safe, but that He is good. So that is where I am right now. I will take one step at a time to place my life and the lives of my dear ones into His hands. And I will try to not take them back again in my heart. I know in my head that there is freedom in surrender, but the steps to get there are hard and very scary. May God be glorified in my baby steps and may whatever comes in 2011 remind me that He didn't "bring me out of Egypt "(or cancer) to kill me, but to allow me to trust and love Him more.