Losing all Control

As many of you know, I am an organized (little obsessive) person. I like my routines, lists, schedules, and plans each day. I like my kids to take naps at the same time each day and go to bed around the same time each day.  Until about two weeks ago, I had chore days and weeks that pretty much followed the same flow day in and day out. Tuesday, December 22nd changed all of that.
  Since we have learned of Andrew's cancer and the amount of time it will take to hopefully take it away, my world has been anything but predictable. From the first day of dropping everything we had planned to checking our boy into the hospital, I have had to go with the flow. I have always said that one, then two, then three, the four children are going to force me to just be flexible. I think I have grown in that area since having all my wonderful children, however, I have been forced to just take it a minute at a time.
 I lay in bed this morning, listening to the roll of the breakfast tray, the nurses bustling by, and the breathing of my son next to me and I just cried. I cried for his pain. I cried for my other children that don't have me here with them. I cried for my heart that just breaks over having to be here watching the pain of Andrew and the others around us. I even cried for my normal. What does that mean anymore? How will Madi get to school? How can I make a food list for my house when I am not home to even see the food go away? How do I even get to scrub my bathroom just because it is mine? All these things are very overwhelming and I have no answers. I have to idea what tomorrow holds as I am in the hands of the doctors' orders and Andrew's health. It is unnerving and scary. I feel completely out of control and it is scary. But I do have Someone that is in control. Sometimes this thought seems trite, but when you are in a situation that has totally unarmed you and you can do nothing else to create calm, it is wonderful to know I have a God that has "ordained" all the days for me. He is holding my hand and He will help me with this moment. I have always been a planner and for the first time am seeing that He alone can be my planner. I must depend on Him and other people for EVERYTHING. I think until this morning I even believed that I could do some of the things and micromanage from afar and I have been humbled again to see I can do NOTHING.  And that is scary. I am scared of things not getting done. I am scared to disappoint others especially my family. I am scared of being alone. And sometimes I am scared that the faith I have clung to before will not be real. The sweet news for this morning is, today I believe God is good and in control and loves me and my family. I will cling to that because I have lost all control of everything else.
 Thank you to all who read our posts. All that pray for us and our scary situation. Thank you for your service to our family and for holding us up when we fall. This will be a long journey full of fears and unknowns, but with the Lord Jesus and His "helpers" we will make it one day at a time.