Independence

In about 11 days a big event will occur. Our little baby Luke will turn one year old! It is hard to believe that this time last year we only had three kids to chase after. Now we have an active crawler that loves to get into all kinds of things....like mulch, toys, and toilet water (the worst!!). Just like our other kids we have watched him gain more independence with things he can do. He likes to feed himself, travel from one place to another on his own, and explore. We have been amazed at how quickly he has caught on to things and how he observes his siblings and copies their actions, for good or for bad. As I watch him, I think about how as we grow we not only become more independent, but we crave it. We like to do things on our own. To receive applause from others when we accomplish something no matter how small. We like to find identity in completing a task knowing that we don't need help anymore. That is just natural.

 I guess that is why as an adult I am still struggling with independence. You see only 4 months ago my worst fear came true as I was faced with having a child with cancer. We had to quickly seek answers from doctors, nurses, hospital staff, family, and friends. My world was thrown into chaos and I had no choice but to depend on others to do just about everything for me. I was unable to heal my son, take care of my kids, clean my house, make my own meals, or function on a normal basis. I was also quickly forced to fall on my knees and believe for once in my life that everything was out of my control.  I was out of control and it was actually okay. I wasn't destroyed...through the whole process or even now. I am not destroyed. I was provided for, loved on, and reminded of God's hand the whole time. So why do I all of a sudden believe that my life is back in my hands. That God can handle the stresses of cancer, but He expects me to figure out ways to pay all the bills,  care for my child with special needs, or do daily life all on my own. I have quickly built up my defense walls again to begin to believe that I can now stop anything else awful from happening to me. That if I follow this formula or keep enough lists or follow a strict schedule then I can keep my loved ones safe and again be god of my home. In some ways God becomes an enemy and someone to fear because He might not be trustworthy of taking care of us anymore. These thoughts are absurd. God proved Himself more than loving, faithful, capable, and tender during the past few months (not that He even needed to), yet I am scared that He now expects me to carry the rest of life's burdens all by myself. The time in the hospital was awful, but it was also so freeing. I experienced a "shedding of my worries" like never before. I believed for a little while that God really did care about every hair on my head and wanted me to depend on Him for EVERYTHING. Now unfortunately, I am believing that He wants me to just grow up and be capable of doing life independently. I long to lay it all down. The stress that comes just from life. The stress that comes from the post-living with a child with cancer. The stress that comes from being an organized, type A personality. It is a gift, but it is also a curse that causes me to never really find rest from myself. I must fight the battle that rages in me daily that on one side screams...."Be like the world, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, make a name for yourself." And on the other side screams "Come to me (Jesus) all you who are weary and heavy laden and I (Jesus) will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart. And you WILL find rest for your weary souls." Matt. 10:28-30

Just a reminder---April 30th at 7pm at Tabernacle Pres in Waynesboro--Benefit Concert for Andrew

    Pilgrim Road (including Rick) will "sing" Andrew's story as well as the story of redemption. It will prove to be an evening not wasted.