Fighting the Lies

 It is May 12th. We are three months past the last chemo Andrew received. We are two months past his major surgery. Andrew has his color back, his spirit back, and a lot of his beautiful blond hair back. We have celebrated Rick's birthday, Becca's 4th birthday, and Luke's 1st birthday. We have walked again down our path of cancer with the incredible concert only a few weeks ago. Our family has come along way since our last stay in the hospital. Spring has come and we are moving on. Rick and I even got to go away this past weekend to Williamsburg to celebrate 10 years of marriage. We have celebrated many blessings in the last few months.

 However, my heart still fights. My mind still goes back to those dark hospital rooms and the memories of fear and pain. My heart still fears upcoming scans and the possibilities of starting all over again. I have begun having nightmares of Andrew in the hospital and the cancer reoccuring. If I let my mind linger too long, I can almost go into a panic attack. Last night I was getting ready for bed and began to close my closet door. Hanging on the back of it is my old travel toiletre case. My mom bought me a nice new one for our trip so this one remained with a few odds and ends in it. As I looked closer at this bag, it too reminded me of the cancer story. Chapsticks, tums, hand creams, and alcohol wipes remain inside from the hospital stays. The bag would hang there with travel size things ready to go just in case Andrew got a fever and we had to leave quickly. I tried to take it down and something in my heart just couldn't. You would think that if something reminded you so much of pain and fear that you would want to rip it down and throw it out. But I didn't. I am still trying to figure out this path of grieving. My mind wants to run so quickly away from the memories and pretend that we didn't even go down this path.  I even told Rick last night, before the concert I wanted people to remember our journey with us and keep talking wtih us. Now I feel like I just want to forget.

 My heart still fights the lies. The lies of reoccurance that I am "sure" will happen. The lies that the doctors have missed something and we will have to start at the beginning. The lies that this "rest" is too good to be true. The other shoe will drop and we will be faced with an even greater beast. I still fight to believe that God is in control and still adores His children. He is taking care of us and hasn't forgotten to continue to take Andrew's cancer away. There is a blessing with the type of cancer Andrew had....we didn't have to remove it all. We didn't have to take apart his little body to get every last cell. The curse is that there is still cancer in his body and this unnerves a mom. I must still fight the lies that that was a good decision to leave it in there. The lies are hard to fight at times. Easier when I keep my eyes on my Shepherd that promises to kill the "wolves" of my pastures. One day at a time is the only thing I can do.

  I called the hospital today to find out Andrew's counts from his last scans and the dates for his next MRI/MIBG. We have a three day plan for his scan in June. This means that they couldn't get all the scans in on the same day so we will be returning to UVA on three different days and leaving with an IV in our boy' arm. Not fun at all. On top of that, I chatted with a nurse that I don't normally talk to. She checked Andrew's chart for his count numbers and proceeded to say,"his number seems high." HIGH?? What does that mean? Higher than a normal child? Higher than last month? Higher than the doctor's would like? I had to get off the phone and leave my number for the doctor to call back and explain since she wasn't sure. If you can imagine how hard this day has been to just wait for the news. I have a feeling that there is no problem, but then again, back in October we thought it was just a cough or that he had just swallowed some sand. Another lie I must fight and another time to trust that God is in control. I ask you to please pray. Pray for my/our hearts that wrestle daily to be optimistic. Please pray for us to enjoy each moment we are given and to love each other well. Please pray that Andrew's cancer cells are dying and that the phone call from the doctor will be uneventful. Pray that his scans in June will show nothing out of the ordinary. Pray also that if for some reason things do take a turn for the worse that we will have the faith to step back onto that path.