Deja Vu

 Everything is quiet except for a faint noise that is coming from upstairs. It has lessened, but it is there all the same. It is a cough. A cough that brings with it so many memories and horrible nightmares. For the past week or so, Andrew has had a cough. The doctor said that is was just the common cold and his last scan showed nothing out of the ordinary. Still the cough that has been here for the past two nights has brought some anxiety.

     A few nights ago we were at Target as a family just getting a few things for Rick's new, amazing office in Staunton. The kids love to look down the toy aisles and dream about birthday presents and Christmas gifts they might get. We were walking around almost ready to checkout and the cough started. It kept going and going through the checkout line, into the car, driving out of the parking lot, and on the road home. It kept up so much that it made Andrew sick. We cleaned him up, settled the other thrree kids down in bed, and continued to care for our coughing boy. After almost 2 hours, I had to take a break. I went down to do some theraputic cleaning and get ready for the next day. Rick called me back upstairs to help him out and Andrew had gotten pretty sick. However, he had stopped coughing. We don't know if he was actually choking on something and just had to "get it up" or what, but after that episode, he was fine and exhausted. Rick and I were a mess and just emotionally drained from it all. Sweet Andrew kept talking to us the whole time about Disney World and roller coasters he wants to go on next time he goes and just kid things. He is such a trooper with his joyful spirit and his "sick bucket." He fell asleep around 9pm and slept the whole night without one cough. Rick and I proceeded downstairs to debrief and just hold one another. So much for picture hanging and planning that we had on the schedule for that night.

 Then last night it happened again. Right after bathtime (Rick was at a meeting) Andrew started coughing and just couldn't stop. This time he didn't get sick, but it just kept nagging him. The girls went to bed and I pulled Andrew out of his room so Luke could fall asleep. We lay on the bed together just talking, praying, and singing. He was so sweet. He just wanted to talk between coughs and try to get to sleep. At one point I just lost it and put him back in his bed so I could escape for a little while. I need to just "clean" or something to try and gain some idea of control. Of course at night and without Rick, my mind was going crazy. I keep thinking about all we went through, the x-rays, the "innocent" cough he had this time last year, and what might be lurking in his little body. I thought about how I could not handle the news again, and just wept over the brokenness of cancer and lives that are affected by this awful disease. It is not a "one time" encounter. The fear and memories continue to haunt us. As I was tucking him in to go downstairs, I told Andrew I was going to pick up and get into my pj's. He sat straight up, looked at me, and said, "Mom, do you have animals or Thomas the Trains on your pj's?" He was not worried at all about his cold, he needed to know what my pj's looked like. I kissed him and prayed as I shut the door that he would be able to stop coughing and go to sleep.
 The coughing slowed until finally he was asleep. I sat downstairs with a glass of water and my scrapbooks spread all over the family room floor. I looked through wedding pictures, seminary pictures, baby books, family parties, and trips, and even glanced quickly at the hospital stay last December. The memories and trials of my life filled my  mind and heart. There are many situations that I thought Rick and I would never make it through. Cancer being the biggest. But we did. We made it through. We still struggle and remember and fear. We still wonder if God will bring that awful beast back into our lives. I think about our amazing Make a Wish trip and I hope that was the pretty bow that tied up the end of that chapter. We will see. Thankfully, I don't have to know. I have no idea what my path will have in it next or how we will make it through. But Jesus does and He promises to never leave me nor forsake me.
 I prayed last night before I closed my eyes that my children (all of them) would be spared from major health problems. I reread Psalm 91...a Psalm I prayed over Andrew multiple times especially verses 14-16. I asked God to bring this mother's heart peace to sleep last night and to trust that our doctors will lead us through all this. And I fell asleep to a quiet house.